The pieces you left inside of me have shattered and splintered into undetectable fragments, lurking in my blood stream. Every scream echoes your own. I don’t want you inside of me like this. I opened up my wrist and tried to cut out every speck of you. This is not my blood on my floor. This is yours. Take it back, It is poison and it is killing me. I close my eyes knowing that you will not be here when I wake up. I will be myself again. Pure, unadulterated Identity, free from the scars of your abuse. I will breathe again. Slow, labored, breaths, but they will be my own, sure as your venom leaks from my veins. I will be myself when I wake up, and you will be gone. I will be myself, if such a thing ever existed.
After you left me here, every breathe i drew pulled the walls in closer. I dared to live without you, and the room fought against me, suffocating me with each gasp. With every inhale the four walls encroached upon me, and in an effort of concession, i sat, legs pulled to my chest so as to take up as little room as possible, and i let the walls close in. With my suicidal breathe i whispered that i loved you.
the sun was rising behind us, but we were certain that we could outrun it. hand in hand, we dodged tree branches and rocks, trying to stay in the cover of darkness for just a moment longer. Enough time for one last kiss before the day began without us. This was our last night, the last time we would be able to search for each others gaze under the starless suburban sky. You squeezed my hand, and i turned to face you, but the sun was creeping in, painting your silhouette in an unearthly gold. I pulled you under the tallest tree and kissed you. After what seemed like only seconds, i felt your lips disappear from mine, and when i opened my eyes, you were gone. I sank down into the soil, wet with morning dew, and watched the sun sculpt the skyline out of clouds and darkness. one by one, the buildings disappeared. and when every trace of you was gone, the sun crawled into the center of the sky, illuminating everything but memories.
Were we ever that young? Between blurry beer soaked memories did we ever find time to paint each others nails and talk about boys? If we clear the smoke that blinds our past, was there ever a game of jump rope or a bike ride to the baseball field? Was it before or after the vodka that we lost our innocence?
i can only hear this to the tune of Amsterdam by the Dresden Dolls.
with surgery like precision
she pulls out her heart
and makes her first incision
knowing it isn’t smart
blood covered gloves
preform the ungodly act
removing offending love
leaving only veins intact
and with a hint of a smile
she sews herself shut
chokes back the bile
bubbling in her gut
soon the villagers came
pitchforks in hand
and torches aflame
they couldn’t understand
how a monster such as this
could have come from such a girl
and with a devilish hiss
the townsmen confer
this unholy abomination
we must surely kill
to be bereft of all affection
makes one a tool of the devil
but from upstairs she observes
more bored than apathetic
hard to unnerve
and unapologetic
she grips the tangled mass
which once beat so loud
throws it through window glass
and into the crowd
they gasp and they cry
while she smiles wide
they disappear in the night
because do what they might
the proof bled on the floor
no one could hurt her anymore
this is the most upbeat and fun song i’ve written. so much fun to sing.
pretty words can’t mend a broken heart
the veins get tangled and twisted
i told you he’d leave, but you had insisted
that this boy was different
time may heal wounds
but the tissue still scars
shattered and bleeding
this once was your heart
and now i’m
holding your hand again
consoling this friend again
catching her tears again
mixing a drink again
you’re always in love, dear
always depressed, dear
always heart broke, dear
always fucked up, dear
and next month you’ll show up
with tears in your eyes
tell me that you were dumped
and i’ll feign surprise
you met at a bar
and his name was Ryan
you kissed in his car
but now you’re here cryin
then there was aaron
you were so in sync
then you caught him with Karen
now he’s why you drink
and now i’m
holding your hand again
consoling this friend again
catching her tears again
mixing a drink again
you’re always in love, dear
always depressed, dear
always heart broke, dear
always fucked up, dear
you’ve heard every line
it’s not you it’s me
i just need some time
to regain my sanity
i really do love you
so let’s just be friends
cuz i’m not in love with you
so this needs to end
The grass reached out to us from the dirt, trying to stop us for one second, maybe to warn us. Maybe if we had just slowed down, the crunching grass and laughter would have been replaced with a message from the howling wind: we should not have been there together. But when you pulled me down into the rain soaked ground and kissed me, any possible alerts would have been ignored. You were kissing me, and everything sounded like music.
i was never good at the little things, like brushing my hair and tying my shoes. breathing has always been the hardest. every constricted breath catapults me into another few moments of life, however reluctant i am. my mind follows its own selfish agenda by forcing its vehicle to continue on in its existence, while my input disappeared years ago. my lungs breathe, my legs walk, but i keep as far away as possible, living unconfronted in what was once a heart, I’m sure.
collection of lines i’ve never done anything with.
“i love the days like this, where the glaze is renoved fron your eyes and you’re who i remember.”
“They paint the sky with their numbers”
“My body I give to the suburbs”
“Eyes full of tears, they thank me.”
“How could I have known where he grapevine withered and died”
“broken sidewalks and daisy rings”
“look beneath the floorboards for the knowledge i can give”
“spike the punch with intuition”
